| In Head | IRL | |
| Making a joke | – A sniper bullet deployed with a wry smile and impeccable timing.
– Everyone in vicinity laughing uproariously, and then taking to social media to quote me. – In turn, their post gets multiple likes and shares: it’s a life changing experience for all involved. |
– I’ve probably said something euphemistic that a be-paunched 1970s middle manager would be proud of.
– To a colleague. – I am laughing so much at my own wit that half of the intended audience don’t hear it. – I am reported to HR. |
| Flirting | – Darting eyes, some casual shoulder touching.
– Bystanders charmed by banter. – Attractive friend of the opposite sex walks by at that exact moment, and shows enough pleasure in seeing me to inspire a pang of jealousy from flirtee. |
– Aggressive blushing + hives lead to a visage resembling nothing so much as a UKIP placard.
– Threaten marriage. – I am reported to HR. |
| Desert Island Discs | – I am invited onto show, having become some sort of national treasure. IDK what for.
– My voice is an octave lower. – I make intelligent, sensitive music choices that inspire nostalgia and appreciation from audience. – Kirsty Young is moved to tears. |
– The most listened to track on my spotify is Rupert Holmes – “Escape: the Pina Colada Song”
– No one gives a shit |
| Having sex standing up | – Probably outside, against a tree.
– Using a branch for leverage. – Bit like that scene in Atonement, but with a shade less emotional intensity. – Culminates in mutual orgasm |
– Anything used as leverage ends up broken.
– Involves squatting and other sexually uninspiring body positioning for both parties. – Requires logistical prowess and general spatial awareness that I lack – Culminates in hand job |
| Being groped on the tube | – I tear the offender a new arsehole with quick-thinking witticisms galore.
– Man is thoroughly humiliated and reassesses his attitudes on sexual assault and consent. – Whole episode is captured on fellow commuter’s smart phone, and promptly goes viral. – Top YouTube comments include “So much respect for this woman” and “LOOOL, that guy got OWNED” |
– Couldn’t be 100% sure that hand on left ass cheek was there by design.
– Even though it moved in synchronicity when I repositioned myself. – Even though the hand’s owner took the arrival of more people into the carriage as an opportunity to stand closer, and breath deeper. – It must be in my head. – I get off at next stop and move down carriages feeling incredibly vulnerable. |
Big Girl Pants 