It’s a partly cloudy Sunday in February, and I’m enjoying the kind of gentle hangover that will ensure I cry when watching Call the Midwife later. It is also Valentine’s Day, AKA: The Best Day of the Year.

Valentine’s Day is underrated; a holiday that convinces people they need to spend money and / or wear crotchless pants as a demonstration of love: what could be better?! It’s like Christmas, with a boner.

In this post, I will henceforth refer to Valentine’s Day as ‘VD’, that this is also the acronym for Venereal Disease has not gone unnoticed.

Here are some great things that happen coz VD:

 

1. Adult humans give each other cuddly toys

The precedent is set at 13 years old, when boyfriends and girlfriends gift one another Forever Friends merchandise and “horny devil’ teddy bears.

As a prepubescent teenager, an infantile toy with horns is an appropriate expression of affection: I like you. You make my groin feel weird.

As a fully grown adult, if you find yourself in the 7^th circle of hell (AKA the Build-a-Bear Workshop) making a stuffed bunny that can whisper sweet nothings to your loved one so you don’t have to, then you have taken a wrong turn in life.

 

2. Missing the Mark

If you are in a new relationship, VD represents a minefield of insecurity and potential disaster. There is no way of knowing how grand your romantic gesture should be. You are aiming for a fraction less intensity than your partner, something that says, “I give a shit about you, but my gifting really says more about me and how creative, fun and intuitive I am. Also, I promise I’m not needy. Please love me.”

A friend of mine once exchanged cards with a new BF.

Her message:

I Love you, you’re amazing x

His message:

Wreey!!! Happy Valentine’s day m8

 

3. Special Occasion Sex

Look, I don’t want to judge anyone else’s sex life. But I will.

Special occasion sex is depressing. From a Birthday Blowie, to a round of Crimbo Cunnilingus, if you only do these things out of a sense of annual duty, then maybe don’t do them. Unless you like doing them, in which case just do them as much as possible you repressed idiot.

I was first made aware of special occasion sex when I was 15. I worked Saturdays as a till girl in a local garden centre. During a cigarette break, my tabard-clad colleague asked me what I was getting my boyfriend for VD: “A Thursday T-Shirt” I replied (for those who don’t know, Thursday were an emo band, whose slow jamz include “Understanding in a Car Crash” and “War all the Time”).

What was she getting her paramour?

“I’ve got a candy thong, and I’ve wrapped up a bottle of lube. Gonna let him do my ass”

I asked if she’d ever had anal sex before, “Once, with my ex. It’s fucking painful mate”.

Firstly, if something causes you pain in a non-fun BDSM way, maybe don’t do it? Secondly, a candy thong is a one-way ticket to thrush and a crime against confectionary.

 

4. Making fucking weird gifts

There is a certain despicable breed of person who becomes Kirstie Allsop in the run up to VD. They seem to think that if they craft something (and ideally something with a sense of humour), that they are not lowering themselves to the dirge of VD celebrations, and are being totes ironic. In fact, they are engaging with the holiday in a more earnest way than even the Build-a-Bear set.

I am one of those people.

For my first February 14^th with my current partner, I made a functional Zoetrope complete with two animated strips. One was an erection growing and dying in a loop, and the other was boobs jiggling. Both were in watercolour.

A friend of mine once made her boyfriend a bouquet of bacon roses for VD. She was (and still remains) a vegetarian.

WTF

 

5. Being Single

For most, VD is not a cause to celebrate ironically or otherwise. No matter how rational and level-headed you are, even if you don’t give a shit about being single and have no inclination to find someone to spoon on the regs, somehow, VD will find a way to make you feel shit.

One year I went out with a friend and we snogged truly rank, lonely men.

One year I had four wanks in a row, and then watched Jonathan Creek.

Last year, my friend ate a microwaveable macaroni cheese, and drank a mini bottle of Prosecco.

All of these activities any other day of the year would represent a wonderful way to pass the time, but on February the 14^th, they acquire the tone of a protracted sigh.

I will leave you with the news that it is now possible for you to experience true magic on VD, with a beautifully prepared meal at the Harry Potter™ Warner Bros Studio Tour. At only £495 for a pair of tickets inclusive of a ride on the shuttle bus from Watford Junction, what could be more romantic?

I know where I’ll be directing my Engorgio charm tonight, amiright?!  😉

#Dumblewhore